Banya, Discovery Draft

This is the first draft for my profile of a Russian Bathhouse. If you are interested, feel free to check it out and/or give feedback.

123-yermolayeva.doc

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One thought on “Banya, Discovery Draft

  1. Written Peer Response

    Essay writer’s name____ Marina Yermolayeva Peer’s name_____Nicholas King

    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.

    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    This was interesting and I had no idea what it was about. It was informative to the point where it tells people all about it that never heard about this.

    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    YES What do you see as that purpose?

    This essay describes a new experience and description that most people do not know about.

    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?

    Any person that is under a lot of excess stress.

    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?

    This is directed towards college students under stress

    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.

    a. This essay is strong descriptions that are easy to read

    b. This essay could be put in a newspaper as an advertisement since it is describing in good detail on how good it is.

    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.

    The essays main point is to describe a new unique experience that most people do not know about

    Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.

    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES

    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:

    There should be more description about the types of people that work and go there.

    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.

    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES SOMEWHAT
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:

    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    YES If not, explain here:

    c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:

    It easily readable with good details

    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
    List terms that need to be defined here:

    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    Par. Why?
    Each paragraph has important detail necessary to put in a vivid description

    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.

    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    Jacob I

    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    He is the manager of the place described

    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
    First hand experience

    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
    Yes

    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments:

    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments:
    This is a kind of advertisement that makes you think about going.

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