Banya: Teacher’s Draft

This is the Teacher’s Draft for my Unit 2 Essay, profiling the Bathhouse Sandoony in Brooklyn.

123-yermolayeva3.doc

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One thought on “Banya: Teacher’s Draft

  1. Heyy Marina, sorry this is so delayed. Your profile of the Russian bathouse is very thorough. I only have a few suggestions for this one. In about the sixth paragraph down you have a quote from the manager about business in the winter vs. the summer. “Wintertime is a much more favorable business climate for the bathhouse than the summer season,” said Jacob. “A lot of people go on vacation during the summer, or just prefer to go to the beach. Or, instead of going away somewhere, some families actually choose to spend the entire day right at the banya for a different kind of exotic experience.” To me this part is a little confusing. Obviously, it is a direct quote so there’s not much you can do with it but he seems to contradict himself. First he says that winter is better for business and he supports that by saying that people go out of town or would rather go to the beach. Then the next sentence says or they go to the bathouse. As if to say…winter is better for business because people go out of town in the summer or go to the beach or go to the bathouse. A “however” would seem to fit better than “or” at the beginning of that last sentence. Anyway, I know it’s pretty trivial but I really had to search for something to suggest. The only other thing would be about the book Sweat and the way you introduce it. Instead of saying “according to a website citing excerpts from the book Sweat by…” why don’t you just say “according to the book Sweat by…” The use of “a website” seems ambiguous and less legit. If you first heard of the book from the website, that’s fine but now that you know the book exists, just cite the book. Either way, this essay is really well writen, you can tell you spent some time one this.

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