Floating Workshop

This is my latest draft of the remembered event essay. It is one that touched a lot of people and I hope that comes through in my essay. Please be critical and I would gladly take all suggestions constructively.

floating-workshop

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13 thoughts on “Floating Workshop

  1. Written Peer Response

    Essay writer’s name_Marina________________ Peer’s name__Jaclyn______________

    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.

    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    Having a very similar experience, I knew exactly how you felt. Once you wrote September I knew what your paper was about. It was nice seeing someone else’s reactions to what happened on that day so long ago.
    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    YES What do you see as that purpose?
    This essay shows her emotions to a significant event in her life and an event that affected many people.
    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
    People have experienced the events of September 11th
    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
    It would be for anyone who has experienced the terrorist attacks or a traumatic event like it.
    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.

    a. details of what happened- images of horror and the people running from the dark smoky pillars, literally scattering in every direction
    b. tone- To this day I cannot begin to imagine how he has been coping with this tragic loss. I can only relate to a fraction of a degree, simply because I have felt the same fear: the fear of not knowing whether you will see your parents walking through the door or not.

    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.

    She will never forget the events of that day, how it affected her family, and the rest of the world.

    Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.

    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES

    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: yes – your description of the day brought back all my memories of what happened to me on that day
    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.

    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:

    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    YES If not, explain here:

    c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:

    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
    List terms that need to be defined here:

    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?

    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.

    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    Friends, sister, sisters husband,parents

    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    They all experienced the same thing and were involved in the crucial points of the story

    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)

    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
    yes

    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments:
    it is a great build up to what your paper is about.

    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments:
    I like how you relate the rest of the world to how the event affected you.

  2. Written Peer Response

    Essay writer’s name: Marina Peer’s name: Anthony Han

    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.

    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    The build up was very well-written. I was very interested throughout the essay but I cannot say I know how it feels to be in your position. It must have uneasy and I could read that in the essay.

    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    YES What do you see as that purpose?

    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
    Any reader who has knowledge with September,11.

    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
    Anyone

    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.

    a. First two paragraphs when you were in school

    b. How scared you were for your parents

    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
    She will never forget the events that occurred that day.

    Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.

    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES

    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: Yes

    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.

    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:

    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    YES If not, explain here:

    c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:

    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
    List terms that need to be defined here:

    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?

    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.

    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    Sister, sisters boyfriend

    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    They all experienced the same thing

    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)

    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
    Yes

    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments:

    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments:

  3. Written Peer Response

    Essay writer’s name__Marina______ Peer’s name________Mike___

    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.

    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    It was written really well. I liked the use of the language that she used to describe her feelings.

    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    YES What do you see as that purpose? A deep view into someone’s emotional response to a tragic event.

    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
    People affected by 9/11.

    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
    Anyone who had gone through a tragedy such as a terrorist attack

    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.

    a.- the commotion at the school and her wanting to know what was happening around her.

    b. the faint clouds of smoke over the horizon

    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
    How she will never forget that faithful day and how it has changed her life forever,

    Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.

    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES

    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
    YES

    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.

    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:

    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    YES

    c. Is the information understandable to you? YES

    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
    List terms that need to be defined here:

    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    None

    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.

    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    Her sister, her sisters boyfriend

    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    Also was affected by the events of that day

    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)

    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
    YES

    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments:

    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments:

  4. Written Peer Response

    Essay writer’s name__Marina______________________ Peer’s name____Huzaifa______________________

    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.

    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    As going through the draft I was unfolding my memories of that horrible event.

    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    YES NO What do you see as that purpose?
    NO

    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
    Anybody, especially people who had to go through that traumatic event.

    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?

    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.

    a.

    b.

    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
    How that event affected her and her family.

    Is the thesis specifi c enough? YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
    YES

    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES

    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
    YES, everything was clearly explained and she was able to express her feelings in an effective manner.
    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.

    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting?
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:

    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    YES

    c. Is the information understandable to you? YES:

    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
    List terms that need to be defined here:

    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?

    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.

    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    Her family.

    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    They all had to go through the same experience.

    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)

    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
    YES.

    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments:

    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments:

  5. Written Peer Response
    Essay writer’s name______Marina_______ Peer’s name__Betim___________
    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    We can all relate to this paper because we each hace our own experience of that day. When I was reading it I remembered all the thoughts that were running through my head that day and I could remember almost every detail of what I did that day.

    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    YES What do you see as that purpose?
    she showed a lot of emotion and gave good detail.
    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
    Anyone who knows what happened on September 11, because that that day cannot be forgotten and everyone would remember exactly what that day was like for them.

    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
    This is directed to everyone who witnessed the tragedy.

    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
    a. The details that were being described helped the paper come to life as you were reading it.
    b.
    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
    That was a day that will never be forgotten and one that affected many people greatly.
    Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: yes – your description of the day brought back all my memories of what happened to me on that day.

    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    YES If not, explain here:
    c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:
    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
    List terms that need to be defined here:
    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
    I think all the sources that were interviewed were handled good.
    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    Friends, sister, sisters husband, parents
    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    They all experienced the same thing and were involved in the crucial points of the story
    they all had their own experience of the event.
    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
    yes
    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments: Good choice of words makes it more interesting and builds suspense.
    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments: The conclusion didn’t leave any loose ends and it works.

  6. Written Peer Response
    Essay writer’s name_Marina_____ Peer’s name__Matthew Prisco___
    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    Wow, you don’t often see people talk about this subject so it was interesting to see another persons ideas.
    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    YES What do you see as that purpose?
    It gives her a chance to reflect on the event.
    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
    Everyone in the country, or even the world.
    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
    Everyone in the country, especially New Yorkers.
    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth. a. The vivid details used
    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
    September 11th had a great effect on everyone and should never be forgotten. Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.
    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: yes
    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    YES If not, explain here:
    c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:
    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
    List terms that need to be defined here:
    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    Why?
    All of your paragraphs are fine.
    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    Family.
    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    All of the family was involved and effected by this event.
    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
    yes
    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments:
    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments:

  7. Written Peer Response

    Essay writer’s name_ Marina Yermolayeva ____ Peer’s name___Tiasia Currie_____

    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.

    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    It was interesting. Informative for those that know little on the event of that day. You used great details. I love how you expressed your confusion, it just made for great build up to the actual unveiling of what happened. One of my favorite parts was when you sort of broke from the story line and said how you couldn’t understand how the table was holding you facilitator up.

    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    XYES NO What do you see as that purpose?
    TO me the purpose was to describe how she felt that day and the impact It had on her views of her life. It also taught those who had little knowledge on the event, new things.

    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?

    Any American

    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?

    Any American

    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.

    a. The way she described the city skyline before actually telling what happened was a little red flag to any American, New Yorker for that matter of what happened.

    b. The way she described how there was whispering and confusion in her school was great. It set the tone for the event.

    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.

    She explained the event and just what it meant to her and her family. She wanted readers to know how this event now made her view New York City, where she once felt so safe and secure.

    Is the thesis specific enough? XYES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.

    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 XYES NO Par. 5 XYES NO
    Par. 2 XYES NO Par. 6 XYES NO
    Par. 3 XYES NO Par. 7 XYES NO
    Par. 4 XYES NO Par. 8 XYES NO

    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
    Yes. You list great details, and help to explain the event very well.

    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.

    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? XYES NO SOMEWHAT
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:

    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    XYES NO UNSURE If not, explain here:

    c. Is the information understandable to you? XYES NO Comment:

    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? XYES NO
    List terms that need to be defined here:

    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?

    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.

    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    No one was interviewed.
    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    No one was interviewed.
    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
    None.
    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?

    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? XYES NO
    b. Present the thesis? XYES NO
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? XYES NO
    d. Comments:
    I Love how the intro was written. It was very free flowing, and introduced us into your life very quickly, yet in a complete way. I like how you ended it off. Without you stating it I got a sense that the day was not going to be usual, as you refer to it in the beginning.

    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? XYES NO
    b Provide something new to think about? XYES NO
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? XYES NO
    d. Comments:

  8. hey marina! i am not going to write up whole thing as others do. instead i give you a brief opinion.
    your essay is very well written. your details match perfect with your story. you used your details very well to create imagery. you are consistent with you details. you did not over use them.
    your flow of order is very smooth and easy to follow.
    one thing i recommend as an unknown reader, you should elaborate more on the event it self. you did not quite explain the whole event. i personally know what it is but as an unknown reader, i would not know. nice work.

  9. Essay Writer’s Names: __Marina___ Peer Reviewer: __Amanda__

    Written Response Form

    Overall I can tell you really worked hard on this. Sorry my comments are so late!! Still, I don’t think ‘ll be much help because there isn’t much that needs to be fixed. I liked how you set everything up: giving details of the exact normalcy of that day. Maybe when you describe your sister’s face when you saw her and how worried she was, go into a little more detail than she was pretty. Something like “her usually ____ eyes were..” I know that was really vague but maybe you could use her features to describe the emotion she was evoking instead of just saying she was worried. At the end, too, when your parents come home I think something is missing there. I know you are trying to convey the emotions you must have been feeling but it falls a little short. It might help to describe what you were thinking at the exact moment you were hugging your dad (or mom) or a hybrid emotion of releif and elation bringing you close to tears when they finally came home. The emotions you must have felt when you knew they were safe were also probably pouring out at the same time as the terror and uncertainty from everything that went on that day and I think you should spend a little more time describing that.

  10. Written Peer Response

    Essay writer’s name Marina Yermolayeva Peer’s name Nicholas King

    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.

    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    I new exactly what event was being described because I can relate to it.

    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    YES What do you see as that purpose?
    Describing an event that will be remembered in history as one of the greatest attacks.

    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
    Anyone that is an American that remembers this event

    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
    This is to any person that was alive and remembers this event

    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.

    a. strong details describing feelings and emotion

    b. format is easy to read

    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
    The nation’s emotions and sense of security collapsed after 9-11.

    Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.

    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES

    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
    Yes everything was described in detail

    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.

    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:

    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    YES If not, explain here:

    c. Is the information understandable to you? YES Comment:
    I can relate to and remember this event

    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
    List terms that need to be defined here:

    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    Par. Why?

    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.

    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    Sister

    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    She was the person that picked her up and had to take care of her.

    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)

    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
    Yes
    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments:

    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments:

  11. Written Peer Response

    Essay writer’s name__Marina_ Peer’s name_Tanisha Daley__

    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.

    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here.
    It was really well written and was organized really well.

    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment?
    YES What do you see as that purpose? It gave a indepth look at a personal event and how the narrator dealt with it.

    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay?
    Anyone who was affected by 9/11

    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject?
    Many New Yorkers and many Americans.

    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.

    a.- the commotion at the school and her wanting to know what was happening around her.

    b. the faint clouds of smoke over the horizon

    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
    How she will never forget that faithful day and how it has changed her life forever,

    Is the thesis specific enough? YES If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus.

    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES

    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment:
    YES

    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.

    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? YES
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:

    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant?
    YES

    c. Is the information understandable to you? YES

    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? YES
    List terms that need to be defined here:

    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)?
    None

    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.

    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    Her sister, her sisters boyfriend

    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.
    Also was affected by the events of that day

    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)

    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly?
    YES

    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments:

    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments:

  12. Essay writer’s name_________________ Peer’s name____Josue______________________
    Instructions: Respond to the asterisked items first. If you have time, respond to the rest in numerical order. Do not confer with the writer when answering the questions.
    *1. What were your reactions when first reading this draft? List some of them here. Good essay overall has quality in it as an essay

    2. Does the essay have a purpose beyond fulfilling the requirements of the assignment? No
    YES NO What do you see as that purpose?

    *3. Who would be interested in the profile provided in this essay? Anyone who lives in the city

    4. To what audience is the essay directed, and is this the appropriate audience for the subject? Everyone
    5. List two examples that show how this essay appeals to the needs of this audience. Refer to specific tone, word choice, details included, format, and so forth.
    a. details of scenes
    b. Word choice
    *6. What is the essay’s main point or thesis? Write the thesis sentence down here.
    This is about how she will never forget a faithful day that changed her life

    Is the thesis specific enough? YES NO If not, make suggestions for narrowing the focus. Yes

    *7. Reread each paragraph, noting whether it is related to the thesis of the essay.
    Par. 1 YES Par. 5 YES
    Par. 2 YES Par. 6 YES
    Par. 3 YES Par. 7 YES
    Par. 4 YES Par. 8 YES
    *8. Has the writer sufficiently covered of the topic, discussing the who, what, where, when, how, and why of the profile? Comment: Yes
    *9. Comment on the relevance and effectiveness of the information conveyed below.
    a. Are the essay’s facts interesting? Yes
    Please note any facts you found uninteresting or off the subject:
    b. Does the essay make clear why all the information is significant? Yes

    c. Is the information understandable to you? Yes
    d. Is the language clear, with technical terms defined? Yes
    List terms that need to be defined here:
    10. In which paragraphs would you like to see more information (facts and examples)? No
    Par. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Why?
    *11. Comment on the handling of the sources of the profile.
    a. What person or persons were interviewed?
    None
    b. Explain what makes the person interviewed an appropriate source of information.

    c. What other sources of information are used? (List them.)
    d. Are quotations, facts, and paraphrases attributed and documented clearly and correctly? yes

    12. Does the introduction
    a. Get readers’ attention? YES
    b. Present the thesis? YES
    c. Introduce readers to the essay’s perspective? YES
    d. Comments:
    13. Does the conclusion
    a. Remind you of what has been said? YES
    b Provide something new to think about? YES
    c. Round the essay off smoothly? YES
    d. Comments:

  13. Writer: Marina Peer Response: Kingsley Osuji
    When first reading your essay one can tell that you are a good writer. Your essay is very well written and your details fit in where needed. Your paragraphs transitioned well also. I feel as if towards the end when you see your parents, you should show more emotional feelings. Sorry there isn’t that much for me to say, but your essay was very well written, so there wasn’t too much for me to comment on. Just fix on what I previously recommended and your essay should round off smoothly.

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